21 March 2014

Getting On

I'm not as physically dead as I feel inside. Life is continuing. I'm already back at work, even though my mind is somewhere else and I'm feeling rather absent minded. In fact, I was called in on my last day of vacation for a NOC shift. I'm dragging worse than I think I would be because of it. I can barely sleep without Isaias. I'm having nightmares and panic attacks. My anti-anxiety meds aren't working it feels like. I just miss my son.

After that NOC shift, it is unfair because I sleep in the afternoons, rather than right when I get home. I missed out on an entire afternoon with Cecilia. She needs me to be present more now than ever, but I need to work and save money for our move. I like NOC because I get paid more, but it is so hard on her. It's hard on me. I am feeling like a terrible worker and a terrible mother. I can't be present in anything that I do.

Cecilia I think is better adjusted. Sometimes. We pulled into Portland at 7 AM and Cecilia was at school at 8:30 AM. She wasted NO time getting back to her life. I think in a way the routine at school is comforting for her. She can think about other things when she's at school. Her teachers all rave about her; I sometimes wonder if it's the same kid. She doesn't excel at school, but she is doing a lot better this year than any previous year. It's almost like she's two people; a split personality. She's miserable, but she hides it really well anymore. She tells me she misses Daddy and Gordo. She says she even misses Gordo bothering her. 

Last night we went to a school function, but I was barely functioning. Cecilia was in her element. Afterwards, we went out for frozen yogurt with my mom. Mine tasted like nothing I could ever want because all I could think about was my son. I know it is not fair to Cecilia for me to let my mind be somewhere else, but I can't help it. I am being torn into pieces. All I want is for it to be June already so I can get out of here and get on with my life as a family person. 

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