19 March 2014

Goodbyes

Every trip I've taken to TJ ends in the exact same way: kisses and tears and promises. It's heart-wrenching in ways that are indescribable in any language I know. It's kinda like feeling your soul being ripped out of your body and it leaves you lifeless, but still alive. I usually spend about a week in "recovery mode" as I get back to "normal". But this time it was infinitely worse than ever before: Isaias- my little partner-in-crime, the love of my life, my perfect Prince Charming, stayed behind in Mexico with his dad. This is not the first time that he has stayed there. This is not the first time I've left my son for a period of a couple of months- but this time he is without Cecilia. And he chose to stay with his dad.

There were more than tears as I loaded my suitcase of clothes into the back of my sister-in-law's car. It was more than feeling like my soul was being sucked out by dementors. I could actually feel my chest being ripped open and the universe removing what little bit of heart I may have had. It's a wound that won't heal until I am reunited with my baby. 
My perfect son who loves me completely.
I will NEVER admit to loving one of my children more than the other, because it's not true. I love Cecilia too and watching her cry for her dad is ripping open my sore, autopsied heart and letting it bleed and bleed. There is no other way to come close to describing the feelings that I feel right now, and those words are exceedingly inaccurate. My entire existence has been dealt a giant rift and I don't know if I can deal with it.
My sad Cecilia with her Daddy. She is such a Daddy's Girl, and all of this wasted time has been hardest on her.
Now I have a half-life to get on with it. I can only count the days until I can touch my son or smell him or kiss him. I want to freaking just speed up time right now.

My motto is Life Goes On, but this time I don't know if it does. Without your babies, there is no "going on". There is sleepwalking through life. There is no life at all. I just can't comprehend how Hector has survived at all during these 3 years.

3 comments:

  1. I can only tell u that u are amzingly strong and I'm here for u!

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  2. I can understand this all too well. I think I cried for days and days on end when I had to leave Erika behind for a year. Worse is that I was still breastfeeding so it was just one big hormonal mess when I deployed. She was only 4 months old and I felt like crawling into a ball and never coming out. Time passes, it's a great bonding experience with his papá, yadda yadda. Just take it one day at a time, that is all that works.

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  3. "He chose..." But he is only three years old and choices should be made from experience and if he lacks that experience it is up to you to make it up for him. Now he's with his dad who I'm sure loves him as much as you do... but look at HIS experience. From whom did he learn to be a dad? What can he teach his son besides drinking and avoiding responsibility? I know you want Hector to be a good husband to you and a great dad to his kids but he has to have had an example of those things at some point in his life. It didn't happen and now he has a chance to shape his son in his own image.
    I've got a bunch of kids and I can't say I've been a great dad to all of them either but I did have a decent example to refer to. I had hoped to teach Isaias something about how to be a man. Just last night I had "words" with your mother because I let slip my reason for staying alive. I told her that I wanted to teach him how to get along in this brave, new world we're falling into. She was upset because I didn't think she was worth living for. That's not what I said but that's what she heard and she was hurt.
    Well, now I'm hurt. Kinda like that time I laid in the bed in the nursing home, hoping to die because I'd overheard a doctor tell my wife I might never regain the use of my right arm. Right about now I think about how much better off everybody around me would be if I had not survived that episode. Ah well, the world is full of "what if's"

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