|Me, when I first arrived, May 2011|
It was my mistake to act like i was a citizen when I wasn't. All my life I have been in the US so I got accustomed to doing what everyone else did.
When I heard that my son, daughter and wife were coming to Tacoma Holding Center for Illegals, I was so happy! Mainly because i wanted to feel whole [thanks to my homie Alfredo for letting my wife borrow his car and to Jasmine for being kind enough to come help my wife with the kids]. I did know they were coming and I could not ask for more from my wife. I never thought of what she was going through because I was in jail and to me, you really don't suffer on ''the outs''. When my son came I think he was 6 months old; he did not know nothing or what to think of me in that glass window. He just cried and he had to be taken out by Jasmine. My CC on the other hand -we were really close; we did everything together, and she also did not know what was going on. I know she missed me dearly.
There was so much going on in the house since my son was born, to say; so many unresolved issues. CC was being overtaken by everything. I hardly remember even hanging out with her when Yayas was born. So here was my little love and I really don't know what we talked about. But I knew that this was going to be the last time I would see her, since I did not know where I was going to end up at. Now, my blue eyed beauty I was so thrilled to see. I don't know what we spoke about either. Something like promises that all females make to their man when they are going to disappear out of their lives. I did not know that my biggest battle was going to be this sweet, beautiful Andrea. The visit did not last too long, i know CC and Andrea cried. That was the last time I saw my family in the USA.
''The scariest thing in the world to me is being chained to a damn airplane; who knows how high in the sky. If you die you die."
When I got to ugly Tijuana, I was by myself- no one to turn to; not wanted here nor there. I somehow had to work magic to have my family visit. When I heard my Andrea was coming i was so relieved so fucking happy! You can't imagine the struggle of not knowing anything in a new world. When she came I was so scared for her, cus she after all, is a white girl. People know the stories of how white people are to Meskins in the US, so i was scared someone might take their anger out on her. When I saw her bus go by I was like, "Oh no! Now how the hell am i going to find her?" But luckily to my advantage, the bus just did a lil' circle and I ran to where the bus was stopped. There she was- my white girl sitting there looking lost and scared. When I saw her i was so in love with her because she kept her promise. I mean, I was sad to not see my Fatses. But I knew that when we first started, it was me and her against the world. I mean, when I am with her I forget all my troubles and looking into her eyes knowing she loves me back the same is the best feeling in the world.
Since i got deported i spent my time around the same colonia due to i did not know anywhere else to go. I stayed by the Casa del Migrante. They gave me 14 days of hospice, ''Either try to go back to the u.s. or find a place'' they told us. So I tried to cross through Mexicali, but they caught us, so it was my destiny to stay in Tijuana. I looked for a place. Found a place that resembled close enough to a jail cell. But it was good enough for me and her to cuddle up together and fall asleep in each others arms. In the tiny bed. Due to that she left the kids with my mackdre she had to go back to the US. I hated the fact that i had to stay all by myself in this fucked up dirty city and just holding my head down. *I changed my mind about this city, it is so beautiful. That is how i felt when i first encountered how life is here.*
|Me, on the bus with the kids, February 2012|
I think it took her 5 months for her to bring my daughter and son to visit. Every time she comes i find ways to make time for them. It is difficult watching your kids grow up on cam! She has come alone more than with the kids. And i get it is difficult but my kids are growing old. Now it has been 3 years since i have been gone and they have passed by. My son has only come 3 times to visit me. My wife has done miraculous work every time to bring my kids and also to bring herself. For the longest time i felt like i am alone and i wanted to be with my kids and wife for the longest time. Always fighting to make sure she was going to come and visit. You don't know how many people just move on. A step-in-daddy steps up and they forget about their real dad. My visits with my kids involve going to the beach, parks and eating out where I would normally would not. When they are here, I feel normal. We have celebrated birthdays without one another. The most difficult thing is that we know we can go on without each other. The last visit i had to beg to have my daughter come and this was one of the hardest because I felt as though our marriage was going to end. I mean How could I go on without my kids. Every time they came i had to drop them off to make sure they make it to the other side. I was really sad like everything i ever knew was taken from me. But it is getting easier; I just walk off now.
|Hanging out at Parque Teniente Guerrero in Tijuana, November 2013|