I have made progress on being brave in April. The class prompt this month was all about "letting go", and I have done quite a bit of that this month.
First and foremost, I have let go of the tightest grip I had on depression and anxiety. I got the help I've needed and I am finally seeing a difference. Usually, if I don't see a difference quickly, I just give up and quit and go on being depressed and complaining about my life, but never really doing anything about it. I've stuck it out this time. I HAD to do something different. I couldn't take care of myself and I couldn't take care of my children. My relationship with Hector suffered unnecessarily. I HAD ENOUGH. I decided to let it go. And you know what? I feel freer. I'm not a super bubbly happy-go-lucky person, but I can get out of bed, get my work done, come home, get things done around the house, read with Cecilia or help her with her homework, and everything is running a lot smoother. My body doesn't ache as badly as it did. I don't feel like a 90-year-old lady. I let go of all of the pain and hurt that I've ever felt that I was hanging onto. I let go of anger and unhappiness. I let go of the fear of disappointing people- this was my biggest fear in life. I cannot change how people feel. I was so busy worrying about how not to disappoint, that I ended up disappointing them by missing the big picture of life
I've also let go my pride and selfishness. I think that these two things walk around in life, hand in hand. I am not better than the next schmuck. I am human, I have faults, I screw up (a lot), and it's time that I quit making excuses for my behavior. I don't deserve anything in this life more than the next person. I had this epiphany of sorts while at The Grotto the other day. Life happens to everyone. I may get good cards, for which I thank God. I may get crappy cards, to which I also thank God because when I do get those crappy cards, instead of complaining or trying to cheat my way into a better hand, I can use my resourcefulness and use what I've got. I've hurt the people I love the most through selfish and prideful behavior. I almost destroyed my family. I wasn't getting a better hand. The grass is not greener anywhere else. I let go of excuses, pride, selfishness, and I'm trading them for honesty, humility, and service to my husband especially, but to God and humanity. I'm ready to have a great life with my husband, but I cannot have that if I think and act like I am better than him, because the husband is the head of the household, regardless of who makes the most money- and I am 100% OKAY with that. I'm tired of having all of the responsibility on my shoulders anyways. I'm ready to have a great marriage.
I am looking forward to continuing my journey with my word this year. In January, I was terrified of BRAVE. But now I know why I needed this word in my life.
One Little Word is an online class led by Ali Edwards. She encourages participants to choose one word to incorporate into their lives throughout the year, in lieu of New Year's Resolutions. This is my sixth year choosing a word and my second year participating in the class. I will share my One Little Word updates monthly throughout 2014.