16 April 2014

Three Years

It has been 3 years since I got the phone call that from Hector that he was being arrested. He was out of town, and had been in a car accident. I didn't know if he was okay or not, because all I could hear on that rainy afternoon was him saying that he was sorry, and that he loved me. It was a cold, rainy Saturday, typical for April in Oregon, and I remember just sitting on the sidewalk, and all I could think was, "now what?"

The last picture I have of Hector here in the US. 

That now what included my generous, gracious parents spending hundreds of dollars in phone calls. That now what meant Hector was put on "Suicide Watch" where he was humiliated and watched 24/7. That now what became three years of struggle, fighting, learning, forgiving, and growth, I hope for both of us, but especially for me.

This year, the day falls in the middle of Holy Week. That year, the day was about a week or so before Easter. One week after he was detained, I took the kids to the Easter Egg Hunt. I was a complete wreck; I don't think I had slept at all, and I was sick as could be. The kids didn't understand what was happening (Cecilia was 4, Isaias was only 5 months old). Cecilia didn't understand why the other kids got to look for eggs with their dads, and she only had me there with her.
Fast forward to now: three years have dragged on, but they have flown on by as well. I learned a lot about myself: mostly that I can do anything if I put my heart into it. I got a job. I held a job for longer than six months. I learned that I have a lot of not-so-nice qualities in my personality, which I am constantly battling to change. I learned that I also have a lot of pretty-nice qualities, that I am constantly trying to build. I learned how to work, I learned how to manage technology, I learned to really grow up and quit acting like a child. I learned to never buy a car without Hector. I learned to stand up for myself, but I'm still working on the situations where I should do this. I learned that I spend too much money, and I'm constantly trying to better that situation. And I learned, most of all, that even though I come across as an "independent woman", I still depend greatly on my husband. 
  • I depend on his knowledge. I am incredibly book smart, but am not a streetwise person. Hector was the street smart one that kept us from getting ripped off- something I learned the hard way when I bought my car. If I had had Hector along when I got the car, I wouldn't have bought it and I would've gotten a different car. 
  • I depend on his encouragement; He always was there to pick me up when I was having a bad day, or help me put into perspective my bad day when I really needed to just suck it up.
  • Hector always watched the kids so that I could succeed, and I never, not once, thanked him for it. 
  • Hector always made me laugh.
  • Hector helped out a lot at home when I was busy, going to school or working, and I also never thanked him for it. 
  • I depended on his hard work, which I never thanked him for (do you see a pattern here?).
These are not all of the ways that I depended on him. It was nice having a second set of hands to chase one kid in one direction and one in the other. It was nice to have a road trip partner. I depended on his driving, because I'm not very good at it. I depended on him for adult conversation and friendship. These are all things I miss in my daily life today. Yes, we still talk and laugh and and he encourages me, but he's not here. It doesn't feel the same if he can't feel the energy in my person. It doesn't feel the same if he's not looking at the same situation as I am in the same way. I've had to manage on my own, make decisions for myself, and be mom and dad to both kids, while not being mom and dad. It's been an exhausting three years. Thank goodness that it's only 2 more months. I'm about to go crazy.

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