29 May 2014

My Happy(?) Place

There is a place in Portland that will forever be my happy place: it is my home. More importantly, it is my backyard:
I have lived in the same house almost my entire life. This back yard is my happy place. I built snowmen in the winters; in the summer of 1995(?) my parents put in this old, creaky swing set that I wouldn't let my kids play on. My mom hosted numerous birthday parties for my brother and I (we share a birthday). I built forts in this yard, went "camping" in this yard, and when I had my own children, they have had much of the same experience with this same yard.

The place has changed over the years. The basketball hoop came down several years ago. We cut down the obnoxious plum tree. The patio that Hector and I used to host countless barbecues on is now full of raised planter boxes and flower pots. 

But laying in the grass of this yard, I am filled with such a peace that I cannot explain. How many times have I done this and taken it for granted? Was I not aware that someday I would leave this place? All I ever did was dream about moving out and moving away; now it is here, and I just want to hang onto this place a little more. I want to feel the lush green under my feet and listen to the trees rustle with the high breezes. 

This is not going to happen in Mexico. There is no yard at the apartment; there is no grass, just a few small cacti and succulents Hector bought me to try and make me feel better. There is no where for me to lay out a blanket in the shade and watch the clouds roll by. If I try to lay on the patio in Tijuana, I am going to cook to death in the sun. I have 18 more afternoons to lay in my backyard; then it will be no more. I won't get to pick the strawberries from their plants. The green beans will reach for the sky and I won't be there to pluck them from their vines. My irises are going to fade and they will bloom next year, but I won't see their purple buds anymore. The daisies that I loved to photograph Cecilia with since she was a baby are going to continue without us.

I wish I had never taken a single day of my life here in this house for granted; I never knew that getting what I always wanted would hurt this much. My personal life motto is: "Life Goes On". To me it has always represented life continuing no matter the hurt, that I would go on. But this time, life going on IS what is causing the hurt. This place will continue to have it own life, and so will I. It will just be two separate lives.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know if you are still doing this blog, but I just found it, and have been reading for days. My brother and I also share a bday, and I worked as a CNA and a CMA for almost 20 years. And said the same thing of I don't mind blood and guys, just don't puke on or near me LOL
    I hope you and your family are doing well. I'm going to keep reading and catch up, and try not to peak and see where you're at yet .