31 July 2014

One Little Word [June AND July Edition!]

It has been a couple of months since I looked at my One Little Word album, or even thought about my word for 2014, Brave.

For June, Ali wanted us to focus on where we were with our word. What were we embracing, how were we living our words, what was holding us back?

I may have left in tears, but I left for my new life, bravely.
Well, in June, I lived my word more than I ever had when I packed up my life and moved here. I was so attached to bringing all of my Portland life with me, but Providence stepped in and I had the most humbling experience. I wanted to be in control of my move. I wanted to bring everything. Instead, I brought 3 suitcases on a bus. That was difficult. I almost turned back. I almost didn't come. I thought I'd "wait it out" and see if the car would start running quickly. But I knew I had made a promise and I sacrificed my pride and control when I bought the bus tickets. In June, I embraced the spirit of bravery and I left my entire life behind to restart in a strange land with only my husband and my kids.

I think the decisions I made in June really helped me live my word fully and completely. I wasn't feeling brave. I wasn't feeling much of anything except fear disguising itself as sadness and regret. But I still did it. I still made it here.

In June, nothing held me back. Not even the car breaking down three days prior to my departure date. I did it. I scared up enough courage and I did the scariest thing I ever had to do.

In July, Ali wanted us to take action. Three actions, actually. I haven't done any of them. I haven't had the time. In July, all of the bravery I felt in June has felt very far away. But I haven't felt scared. I haven't overwhelmed (much). I haven't heard the mean voices in my head telling me I'm ugly or stupid or anything else. I've been telling those voices to shut up. I am too busy to feel scared. I am too busy to not be brave in my daily actions. Every day I am brave when I learn how to maneuver a grocery store or I learn how to catch the Mexican bus, or even the bus in San Diego, because I don't know where it goes. I have to ask people for directions and for help sometimes. I am humbled every day from the "I can do it all by myself" independent woman who lived in Portland, into the "Sometimes, I need help, and that's okay" woman who is
learning how to live a new life.

Being brave for me this past month has meant learning to be humble.  It has meant learning to be patient with other people and with myself. It has meant learning to bite my tongue when I don't have anything nice to say. It has meant learning how to deal with people in society after my self-isolation in Oregon.

Maybe one of these days I will get back onto actually doing the class prompts, but right now I am too busy learning to be brave here in my new life.

One Little Word is an online class led by Ali Edwards. She encourages participants to choose one word to incorporate into their lives throughout the year, in lieu of New Year's Resolutions. This is my sixth year choosing a word and my second year participating in the class. I will share my One Little Word updates monthly throughout 2014.

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