|Sandy toes = happy life|
However, many days here in Mexico feel more like a nightmare. I can't afford gas or any extra food, so we have pancakes, beans and rice, and top ramen. I can't shower or wash my clothes because of the water. There are bugs everywhere. My kids spend most of their day screaming, or in Cecilia's case, back-talking.
|The trolley is my preferred mode of transport around San Diego|
Crossing eats up your entire day, and it is hard for me because I'm exhausted by the end of it. When I get home, I do feel relieved that I don't have to be going anywhere else. Then there is all of the home matters to deal with: cooking, laundry, cleaning, and dealing with the kids who can't seem to get along anymore. By the time I get home, Hector is horribly swamped and needs a break, so I try to help him. However it is hard for me to remember to do this, because we have to re-learn how to be married.
After being separated for so long, we've forgotten what it is like to live together. I used to come home from work and my kids would just play and I'd make them dinner eventually and I could unwind. Here, I am not working, so there is nothing to unwind from. I have to take into account Hector's parenting style and wishes for our children after three years of doing it all by myself. I have to make partnered decisions rather than solitary decisions. I have to re-learn how to be a wife. I have to get used to making dinners other than macaroni or spaghetti. It's very frustrating and very hard to get to know someone I already know. When Hector was deported, I was very-much dependent on him for decision making and guidance. In the last three years, I've had to learn to do all of those things by myself and it is not fun to have to share that responsibility. I love Hector more than anything else, but that doesn't change the fact that I have to give up some of the control I had and learn to compromise on a lot of our issues. It leads to a lot of arguments and a lot of strife between us. It's like we're newlyweds again, learning to live with each other, but there is no "honeymoon" feeling, because we already know eachother's quirks and hate them.
Many days are a dream, where we function as a 'normal' family unit. But most are not. Most days here are real life, and I am just figuring out how to maneuver this reality codependently with my husband that I missed so much for those three long years.