You know, I never read that book...
Some days, I feel lost in the world. I think to myself, "What the heck am I doing here? I had such a better life in the US. I would not be struggling like this if I were there." I get up, sometimes hoping to see Mt. Hood or hear my parents somewhere in the house, but then I realize I'm in Tijuana. Sometimes, it feels so normal to be sitting here with Hector, we both forget that we're not in Portland. Is this where we really ended up? Then there are days that I know I am exactly where God wants me to be.
In the US, I lived a rather charmed life. I had an amazing job, amazing friends, a secure home, my parents... I could do pretty much anything I wanted. I attended Mass and tried to give Cecilia a good Catechism. I felt God calling me for the first time in my life when He called me to veil. I felt like I knew God. I felt like we had a relationship and that I was a good follower of Him.
Then I came to Mexico. My whole idea of my relationship with God has been shaken to the foundations.
God was no longer asking to have a personal relationship with me; he was demanding it. There were times when i didn't know how'd we would have enough money to last a week, and I had to rely solely on God's mercy. I couldn't worry about little things. I have to give God total control of every aspect of my life. After I had read every book I had brought with me, I got the idea to pick up my Catholic Youth Bible, the same one I've had since high school, and actually read it. That was a game-changer.
Because Hector and I are not married in the Church, and because we now live together, I cannot receive the sacraments. It's heartbreaking to watch people receive Eucharist while I sit in the pew. But it is the way it must be. I offer my little suffering for other lost souls and ask that every person receiving Holy Communion may be spiritually nourished by it. Catholics believe that the bread and wine truly become the Body and Blood of Jesus at the consecration. That bread is no longer bread; it is Christ. This is based on John chapter six. In the beginning of the book of John, the Bible says that the Word of God is God, and that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us as Christ (I'm paraphrasing). Jesus is the Word. In Ezekiel 3, God gives the prophet a scroll of his Word to speak to the people. He instructs Ezekiel to EAT the scroll, which he does, and the Bible says that the Word was sweet.
This is what God has done for me. He saw how helpless I have become, how broken and miserable I feel, and he says, "I can use you now. Here is my Word. Eat it up". I have read the entire Bible and it is not enough. I need to eat my daily fill of Scripture. I cannot feel like I have had enough without at least an hour or two of study a day. I can't receive Eucharist right now, but His is feeding me spiritually and I am now knowing His Will and learning to trust in Him. Because you can't just read the Scripture, you have to figure out how it applies to your life. And you can't look at individual verses, you have to look at the whole story, the big picture. After all, a novel wouldn't make any sense if you read just one line per page. Neither do the Scriptures. You can't just quote one line and say, "This is God's plan" because that is presumptuous and it is not taking into account all of Salvation History and the work of God throughout the ages. Yes, the Lord has a plan for everybody, but His plan is for the whole of the World.
I know that His had my best intentions in His plans. I don't know of tomorrow we will have enough for extras or money to go out, but I trust that God will provide for me to have the basics met. There was a time I thought His was not listening to me. I wanted him to change the laws so that I could continue to live in the US and Hector could come back and we could continue like nothing had ever happened. But when I thought He wasn't listening, he was really telling me 'no', because I had to come to Mexico. I see that now. I could never have known Him, living in the US. There were to many barriers, too much ease, too much excess in the way. I had to lose all of that to hear Him calling me.
Hello God, it's me, Andrea. It's very nice to meet after all of this time.