21 October 2015

Things He's Missing

I'm 1400 miles away from Hector at my mom's house. I am here because I have difficult pregnancies and I need to be close to a good hospital. I need to be able to contact my doctor at any hour. So far, in 24 weeks of pregnancy, I've had two episodes of contractions that have landed me in Labor and Delivery. I am currently battling extremely painful skin infections all over my body. I send many hours in bed, homeschooling my son out of workbooks and notebooking pages. Laying in bed is exceptionally painful. My body gets many aches and pains from not moving around as much; but it is also so painful that I can barely move. Oregon is beautiful, but it is cold at night. Hector and I slept in that bed for years. Now, for a second span of separation, I am laying in it all alone. I freeze and pile our blankets on top of me, but what warmth can a blanket give in comparison to having your life partner next to you?

I really never considered that there would be a time that I would have to return to the US and live for any length of time. I believed that the time had finally arrived in our lives where Hector and I could quit having to fight to be together every second on every day. We were finally living our (very low budget) dream. I had semi-steady work and we were on our own for the first time in our adult lives. We had navigated the waters of learning to live together as a family, how to have a "normal" marriage, as opposed to a long-distance one we had fought for years and years.

And in one instant, it was over. I reminisce my year in TJ like the Twilight Zone; it was real, but it seems like a strange dream. I now am trying to figure out how to live apart again, because living apart is what feels foreign to me.

At 24 weeks of pregnancy, this little boy is MOVING! All the time, almost constantly, I feels jabs and kicks. Sometimes they are strong enough to be seen from the outside of my belly. Hector is missing this.

Isaias was in an accident and had to go to the ER. I was there with my mother and father. Hector is missing the opportunity to be there for his son when his son needs him the most.

We homeschool, and Hector is missing the opportunity to be directly involved with his son' education.

We tried to do "normal" fall activities here, and try to enjoy our time here, but not only is Hector missing going to the pumpkin patch, so is Cecilia, and it is pretty unfun without either of them.

Every time I eat something that I would consider a luxury in Mexico (bacon, pizza, fast food, homemade soup), I feel extremely guilty knowing that Hector and possibly Cecilia are only eating beans and eggs.

I know that this separation is not permanent. I know that I will return to TJ and go back to living what I had come to accept as a "normal life". But in the mean time I am hating being in the place I thought I missed most on Earth. I am just ready to go back home, and I am ready for that.

02 October 2015

Hello October

There is no other time of year that I love more than October. Not even December, which is actually a close second. But October is such a beautiful month full of crisp autumn days, changing leaves, and the beautiful earth colors. Pumpkins are now for sale in the stores, Starbucks has had the PSL out for over a month, and apples are at their peak. This time of year is a time for grounding myself back with the world. Sometimes, I feel very out of place. I have had some pregnancy complications, and I am still working night shift, which makes one feel as if they were a zombie.
As of right now, I am taking a little bit of time to ground myself back into the world here. Yesterday, I turned 27, and my boy and I ate cake together. Then I took some medication that makes me very sleepy, and I slept for 10 hours. I am having a boy baby. I am deciding on a good time to stop working. I am homeschooling Gordo for kindergarten. I am tired all of the time.

I am not currently reading any books. There was a time that I was reading to save my life. I think that time has passed. I still pick up books here and there, but I feel simply too tired to read more than a few pages and stay interested.

I am not currently watching any television shows, except for one of my old favorites, Doctor Who.

I am not currently crafting anything. This is definitely bothering me the most. I brought a lot of my Project Life books and cards with me, so that I could catch up and finish. However, I have run into a snag: my external hard drive, my only back up, has quit working. According to the tech guys I've had look at it, the motor has simply given out, but the files are all intact. For me to recover the files, which are basically all of my pictures and documents for the last 10 years, it will cost an estimate of $1300. I have some pictures in Dropbox, but my free Dropbox limit is filling up, and I'm at a loss of what to do with the pictures currently there. I hate putting them on CDs, but I might just have to. I was really hoping to finish my December Daily project from last year (missing pictures from a few days) and finish up December 2014, but also, those pictures are on my external hard drive, and who knows when I'll be able to access those? This predicament is causing me a lot of anguish and anxiety, but I am relieved to know that the files themselves are okay. I really need to do some catching up, before baby arrives and I've got a second album (baby album) to work o and complete!

I am not currently listening to any music, except maybe country music that is on the radio. In TJ, the only English-speaking station from San Diego that would pick up really well for me was the local country station, and it became my lifeline. I've always liked country music, but now I'm at a point where it's mostly all I listen to.

I am currently preparing for Halloween. Cecilia wants a costume from the US, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to get it to her. I wish I was going to be around to take her trick-or-treating, but I'm not. I will probably take Isaias around to a few houses, but I am no longer so interested in doing much without Cecilia. She is coming in December to visit for almost a whole month, and I will make Christmas super magical, regardless of funds. There is always something magical to do, even if it's free.

I am currently enjoying the blessing that is autumn. Last year, autumn didn't happen. In TJ, there is one, long, perpetual season. Some trees did change color and have their leaves fall, in January. But as soon as the leaves fell, the new ones took their place. It was extremely depressing to miss the seasons in Mexico, but I know so many of my fellow Exiled wives are still feeling those feelings. I am savoring autumn, not only for the sake of my mental health, but for them. I love each and every one of them, no matter if I've met them in person or not.

Huge 21-week belly.
I am currently growing a healthy boy baby. The pregnancy complications I mentioned above are nothing major, just some cramping and contracting, related to stress and exhaustion. Baby boy has a great constant heart rate and is growing right on schedule. I feel him moving constantly, and he loves to drive nurses crazy when they hook me up to the monitors. I am having a lot of pain and nerve issues, as well as some minor swelling. I wear compression socks for work, and my wedding rings have had to come off and be stored away. I have some severe sciatic nerve pain and my pelvis is not very happy that it's being stretched apart again, but I am not going to complain too much (except to Hector). I am growing a beautiful baby boy. I am very lucky that I am having a boy, because I saved all of Isaias's baby clothes. There are only a few things I will have to buy. I have already washed them and have them tucked away, ready for our newest little mister.