21 October 2015

Things He's Missing

I'm 1400 miles away from Hector at my mom's house. I am here because I have difficult pregnancies and I need to be close to a good hospital. I need to be able to contact my doctor at any hour. So far, in 24 weeks of pregnancy, I've had two episodes of contractions that have landed me in Labor and Delivery. I am currently battling extremely painful skin infections all over my body. I send many hours in bed, homeschooling my son out of workbooks and notebooking pages. Laying in bed is exceptionally painful. My body gets many aches and pains from not moving around as much; but it is also so painful that I can barely move. Oregon is beautiful, but it is cold at night. Hector and I slept in that bed for years. Now, for a second span of separation, I am laying in it all alone. I freeze and pile our blankets on top of me, but what warmth can a blanket give in comparison to having your life partner next to you?

I really never considered that there would be a time that I would have to return to the US and live for any length of time. I believed that the time had finally arrived in our lives where Hector and I could quit having to fight to be together every second on every day. We were finally living our (very low budget) dream. I had semi-steady work and we were on our own for the first time in our adult lives. We had navigated the waters of learning to live together as a family, how to have a "normal" marriage, as opposed to a long-distance one we had fought for years and years.

And in one instant, it was over. I reminisce my year in TJ like the Twilight Zone; it was real, but it seems like a strange dream. I now am trying to figure out how to live apart again, because living apart is what feels foreign to me.

At 24 weeks of pregnancy, this little boy is MOVING! All the time, almost constantly, I feels jabs and kicks. Sometimes they are strong enough to be seen from the outside of my belly. Hector is missing this.

Isaias was in an accident and had to go to the ER. I was there with my mother and father. Hector is missing the opportunity to be there for his son when his son needs him the most.

We homeschool, and Hector is missing the opportunity to be directly involved with his son' education.

We tried to do "normal" fall activities here, and try to enjoy our time here, but not only is Hector missing going to the pumpkin patch, so is Cecilia, and it is pretty unfun without either of them.

Every time I eat something that I would consider a luxury in Mexico (bacon, pizza, fast food, homemade soup), I feel extremely guilty knowing that Hector and possibly Cecilia are only eating beans and eggs.

I know that this separation is not permanent. I know that I will return to TJ and go back to living what I had come to accept as a "normal life". But in the mean time I am hating being in the place I thought I missed most on Earth. I am just ready to go back home, and I am ready for that.

4 comments:

  1. Hugs~ Wish things could be different ..

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  2. I'm so sorry you're going through this and dearly understand what you mean about the guilt. When I cross into Texas once a month I don't even eat out a restaurants (that I would LOVE to) because I know that my husband can't eat with me. I'll pray for you in this time and send my love. <3 - Lindy

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  3. Praying all gets better for you

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  4. Praying all gets better for you

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