I have to admit that I went into this ultrasound in a rather unstable state of mind. It occurred to me that I am really in this pregnancy alone; I had no one to go to the ultrasound with me. I've been feeling really alone a lot lately; I really miss my husband and my girls. Compounded with a lack of sleep and it being the anniversary of 9/11, the bad feelings were haunting me a lot yesterday.
I arrived at the office and checked in, talking to Hector a bit on the phone. They don't allow cell phones into the office, nor children without another adult to watch over them, so I sat there, completely alone, terrified of being outside, and miserable that there was no one to be there with me. I was feeling more apathetic towards this pregnancy than I usually feel; I was contemplating this sudden onset of depression and sadness when the tech called me back.
The ultrasound itself was uneventful as the tech guided me through the images on the screen. I must admit that I am pretty decent at reading ultrasounds at this point in my life; I've had enough to know what a baby's heart, spine and brain ventricles look like. The cord looked great and the placenta is high and posterior, meaning I know why I've felt movement so early this pregnancy. The measurements for my due date were consistent throughout the baby's entire body: there is no moving my due date as there was with Cecilia and Isaias. The baby actually spent most of the time not moving, and facepalming themselves. It seemed fitting.
Finally, she asked if I wanted to know the gender. I said I didn't care, and she surprised me.
At the moment that she told me the gender, all of my bad feelings rushed out through my eyes and ruined the rest of my day. I sobbed all the way home. I have never pictured my life with more than one son; Isaias is already enough for me. I have always imagined a life full of little girls with fluffy dresses and ribbons. Hector was fine with the announcement, but my emotions really are not where they should be at the moment. I don't want to say that I am sad, because that would make me a horrible and ungrateful person, but with the shock of the gender announcement, the extreme exhaustion I'm experiencing, and the horrific hole of loneliness I feel, I am just having a few really hormonal days.
I am very happy and grateful that God has decided to bless us with another child, and I completely abandon myself to His will, whatever it may be in the end. I think of the Virgin Mary, asked to carry our Lord in her womb as an unwed, teenaged mother. She was also probably sad and terrified- how would she explain everything to everyone around her? To her parents, St. Anne and Joachim? How would anyone believe her story? And what did she say?
"And Mary said: Behold the handmaid of the Lord: be it done to me according to thy word..."
Luke 1:38, Douay-Rhiems Catholic Bible
I humbly accept whatever that Lord wants of me. Not my will, but His. However, I am still sorting out all of my feelings; please give me some time.